i can no longer deny what happened...

okay ever since last thursday night when kimmy called me to tell me what happened to toni i just kept denying it...any time i'd think about it i'd just try to think that it never happened...and that what had happened was not real...kimmy and april asked me a couple times in the next few days and i'd always be like yeah i'm fine...but wednesday night was her visitation...some how that made everything real...some how i could no longer deny everything...i was so sad, angry, and other feelings as well maybe...even though no matter how hard i tried i couldn't keep the tears away...and pastor bob kept telling me it's okay to cry and so did kimmy...i don't know...that was the first person that has ever died that i actually cried...then thursday was the funeral...and it was just as hard...some how i knew for sure that it was all real and it wasn't a dream and we wouldn't wake up and find out it was a dream...i still find myself really sad but try not to cry...even though kimmy, pastor bob, pastor mark...say it's okay...but it still makes me feel really bad and worse if i cry...and wow in the past few days i have actually been quite calm and subdued...okay that's all...i just needed to write...